Remember Habit 5: Seek First To Understand

Habit 5 is based on the principle that diagnosis must precede prescription.

This habit teaches us about effective communication. Empathic listening is the fastest form of human communication. This is listening with our eyes, heart, and ears to hear the whole message. Empathic listening teaches us to repeat back what we hear. This does not mean solely with words though; just as we listen with our eyes, heart and ears, we speak with those too. The words we use only make up 7% of our communication. 38% is our sounds and how we say things, and 55% is nonverbal.

If Empathic Listening is the highest form of listening and communication, what are the others that don’t work so well?

Ignoring: Putting forth no effort

Pretending: Appearing as if you are listening

Selective: Hearing only what interests you

Attentive: Paying more attention, being focused, being polite

How can we say Brotherhood Sustains Us if we are not truly listening to our brothers?

We learned that Habit 5 builds on Habit 4. In public victory Habit 4 is the root. Habit 5 is the route and Habit 6 is the fruit. But don’t forget our private victory and the importance of Being Proactive.

Remember the story of my sergeant? Sergeant Dixon was always telling me to do stuff-I felt unnecessary things, especially when he wasn’t really in my chain of command. I knew a bunch if stuff was going on with him and a court case, but not much more. I used to think to myself why is he asking me to do this, why is he talking to me, what does he want this time? I was on active duty one summer and a captain came in and said Sergeant Dixon had died. We found out two days later that he dropped his daughter off at childcare on Father’s Day and never picked her up. The sitter got in touch with his dad a few hours south and he drove up to his apartment and to get his daughter since no one could reach his son. He found his son, on Father’s Day, and he had committed suicide. He tried cutting himself and poisoning himself, and when that didn’t work he shot himself in through the chest.

I beat myself up for a long time. I thought if only I had listened or that maybe all those things he was telling me to do were opportunities for me to talk to him; to understand him. It was Adam who clued us in that this goes back to Habit 1, and that Sgt. Dixon dying, although sad, wasn’t in my circle of influence. Adam understood that we cannot control other people’s actions, and to continue to be effective we must go all the way back to Habit 1. And by utilizing Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood, we can also serve as a Transition Person to those who might need it. I needed a transition person, and was lucky to be around some good Marines to help in that time. In the Fraternity we will all deal with something difficult; and it is reassuring to know someone is out there not only to listen, but to try and understand what we say, think, and feel.

This week, listen with the intent to understand. When you find yourself listening with the intent to reply hold back, remember Habit 1. You have the Freedom to Choose between the stimulus and response. Choose to listen with your eyes, heart, and ears. Choose to pause and utilize empathic listening rather than prescribing before you diagnose.

Brotherhood Sustains Us,

Jeremy